What the Double Empathy Problem Reveals About Therapy for Neurodivergent Clients
If you've ever left a therapy session feeling misunderstood, exhausted, or like you were the problem — you’re not alone.
Many neurodivergent clients, especially those who are autistic or have ADHD, have had experiences in therapy where their communication, emotions, or needs were misread. The assumption is often that they’re not trying hard enough, not being “open,” or are resistant to the therapeutic process.
But there’s another explanation.
One that’s not about blame.. but about mismatch.
It’s called the Double Empathy Problem.
What Is the Double Empathy Problem?
Coined by autistic scholar Dr. Damian Milton, the Double Empathy Problem refers to the mutual misunderstandings that happen when two people with different neurotypes try to relate.
Most traditional therapy models assume that the therapist is the “healthy” one with the right tools and communication style, and that the client must adapt. (This is problematic for many reasons - a whole other topic!)
But for autistic and neurodivergent clients, this can feel invalidating and one-sided. Not because they’re doing anything wrong.. but because their inner world is being filtered through a lens that doesn't fit.
Your silence may be mistaken for avoidance.
Your sensory overwhelm may be labelled as “overreacting.”
Your stimming, eye contact preferences, or nonlinear speech patterns may be pathologised instead of respected.
What’s really happening?
Two nervous systems are trying to connect, but using very different maps.
Therapy Doesn’t Always Feel Safe for Neurodivergent People
Many of my neurodivergent counselling clients (including late-diagnosed autistic adults and NDIS participants) come to me after feeling let down by previous therapy experiences.
They say things like:
“I felt like I was performing.”
“They told me I needed to try harder to socialise.”
“I left feeling more confused than when I started.”
I’ve felt it, too.
As someone who is late-diagnosed, with a combo ADHD presentation, suspected autism, and strong PDA traits.. I’ve sat in those rooms. I’ve been given homework that was designed for a neurotypical brain, and instead of helping, it triggered panic attacks. When I tried to explain, I was told I must have done it wrong, and that my response was “an overreaction.”
This isn’t care. It’s harm wrapped in clinical polish.
And it’s exactly why neuroaffirming therapy matters.
Because therapy should feel like actual support… not a performance.
It should meet your brain where it is, not where someone thinks it should be.
What Is Neuroaffirming Therapy?
Neuroaffirming therapy doesn’t try to change or fix who you are.
It’s not about forcing eye contact, suppressing stims, or teaching masking strategies to appear “normal.”
Instead, it’s about working with your nervous system - not against it.
If you need to lay on the ground with a weighted blanket and one of the fidgets I have in the space, in your hand - do it.
As a neuro-affirming therapist on the Gold Coast, my work honours the fact that:
You might need more processing time
You may prefer written reflection or visual prompts
You might struggle with emotional identification (alexithymia)
You may need a sensory-friendly space
You deserve agency in the process
It’s also about reducing the empathy gap - by learning your language, not expecting you to speak someone else’s.
It also helps that I am also neurodivergent myself… I’ll stim with you!
What Helps Bridge the Double Empathy Gap in Therapy?
Here are some strategies I use in my counselling practice (both NDIS and private clients) to support neurodivergent people in feeling safe and seen:
Co-create communication preferences (e.g., “Can I share via journal instead of speaking today?”)
Clarify assumptions rather than interpret behaviour
Use visual tools, metaphors, and scripting to support expression
Check for sensory needs (lighting, sound, temperature)
Invite curiosity, not correction
Move at your pace - not the textbook’s
Hand out’s & Resources emailed post-session (because, short term memory right?)
You Deserve Therapy That Meets You Where You Are
If therapy has ever made you feel “too much,” “not enough,” or fundamentally misunderstood, I want you to know:
You’re not broken. You’re communicating in a way that’s deeply valid.
You just haven’t been met in a space designed to understand it - yet.
That’s why I offer neurodivergent-affirming counselling on the Gold Coast, with online options available Australia-wide. I also work with Neurodivergent NDIS participants and support people navigating:
Autism and ADHD
Masking and identity fatigue
Burnout and shutdown
Grief and loss
Emotional regulation
Relationships and communication
Sensory overload
Late diagnosis and self-discovery
Psychosocial disabilities
Carers/ Compassion Fatigue
Looking for Neuroaffirming Therapy on the Gold Coast?
I work with neurodivergent adults (16+) and gender-diverse folk seeking support that is sensory-aware, trauma-informed, and grounded in lived experience.
🔗 You can book a session (NDIS and private clients welcome), or reach out to learn more about how therapy can feel different, and safer, this time.